My Brother's Keeper

I used to be my brother’s keeper. The position wasn’t even open, but I forced my way into it. The day I vowed to keep my secret for the sake of my family, and my pale skinned brother was the day I signed up to fight imaginary dragons that nobody could see but me.

I have slayed a thousand dragons that never existed at all. I saw valor in my carnage where others saw nothing but a screaming lunatic. I would spend the days on high alert to spot the monsters before they noticed me. The danger could come from any angle, and I was ready. And when I would see even the slightest sign of movement on the horizon or hear a twig break in the forests behind me my body would jolt wide awake and the warrior I had grown to be would rise in a fury. I have confronted beasts that maul and kill for play. I’ve pierced the hearts of giants who pursued pleasure in the demolition of homes. I have saved my family time and time again and after my battles I was shut away in the back and forced to lick my wounds in the comfort of the mongrels. I became one of the beasts I had sought to massacre.

And when these monsters would appear I would leap in front of my weak and fragile brother who was physically built to be the protector… not me. The fight inside of me was for him. I needed him to be okay. I needed him to make it to the other side… the greener side. Even if that meant that I would sacrifice myself long before I got there.

I used to be my brother’s keeper, but he stole that too. These monsters are his not mine, but ignorance is bliss, and the curtain is pretty and if you never pull it back then you’ll never see the monsters coming.

I carried this weight with honor because I knew how hard his life had been. I had put myself in his shoes night after night and saw the horrors of his past play out in front of my mind’s eye. I took up my post because I knew his conscience tore him to shreds while he slept. The ogres of condemnation came marching in droves to drive him to his death. I stood guard and slaughtered all that came and hung their heads as charms. To prove to him that I was there to protect him from his sins against my own body. I remember the day he scoffed at my offerings and told me I was cruel. To slay these beasts who only occurred because I chose to live beyond the curtain. How dare I fight this fight because love is meek, and love is held close if you choose to draw your curtain. And if you choose to hold the heat of your self-pity inside then you never have to feel the cold. But through the cold is how you grow, and the greener side is closer to the equator. We were born in an arctic storm and lost our compass long ago.

And in my time on earth and through all of my war wounds that I have licked clean, I know one thing to be true about love. Love may be quiet, but it is not meek. Love knows no curtain and behind one it will never be found. Love does not hide behind corners in dark alley ways. Love stands in the middle of a stadium full of people with its heart on a platter and offers the world the chance to stab it. Knowing that it will continue to beat regardless because love knows no bounds. I have been standing in that stadium my whole life offering my heart to the world. And it was stabbed. It was stomped on, and it is tattered to hell. But it is the most beautiful heart the world has to offer because it is proof that life thrives even in the harshest of environments, and you can find it if you look hard enough. But if you spend your life in a darkened room with the curtain drawn shut, you’ll never be able to see that. And if you can’t see it… then it’s not real. And if it’s not real… then it’s not scary.

When my brother’s lip curled up in a snarl, when his eyes narrowed, and his brow furrowed… when he gasped at the charms I had hung. I was proud with my wagging tail until I saw his anger. At first, I thought I failed my post. But remembered that I had not. I knew that these monsters had been coming after him since we were young and small. I took the burden on when never being asked. All he saw was my leathered skin, my broad white scars, and an ugly creature in front of him. I had been neglected for sure but how could my brother show his teeth in my direction? I tucked my tail, head held low and left that night leaving paw prints in the snow. I’m sure they’re covered up by now.

I used to be my brother’s keeper. Fighting imaginary dragons. But they were real to me.